Once More Around The Blog

The more I post the more I'm able to de-compartmentalise my own cognitive dissonance. I tried very very hard to fit into a world that I just didn't have the skills to be able to endure. I was conflicted so much by what I felt, which was far more compelling than what I was told I should be doing to fit in. I don't fit and pretending was what what causing my mind to unravel. I felt like I was being beaten with a proverbial stick every time I made a movement that was not "normal". I wanted desperately to be normal so people would stop attacking me, but I just couldn't. I think the hardest thing I had to deal with was people's anger at me. I've always been of the opinion that it wasn't really me they were angry at. It was themselves that they were struggling with deep inside. They saw parts of themselves in me and like someone had brow beaten them into submission they could articulate those feelings upon me. I was tangible. What they were feeling w

The most powerful realisation that I have had in a long time, is realising what I want and what I need are two entirely different things. For a good portion of my life I have been so invested in one person. FYI not an ex. I find myself trying desperately to get this person to give me what I want and confusing it with what I need. It wasn't until I got rid of all the noise in my life did I actually realise what I was chasing. The most powerful affirmation I have had in a long time is what I want is not what I need. What I need I will never be able to get this person to give it to me ever. While I'm busy chasing that I'm not at all in fact chasing what I actually need in my life. The only person who can get what I need is myself. One of the biggest triggers to me realising this was reading "The Paradoxical Theory of Change" by Arnold Beisser, M.D. "Briefly stated, it is this:  that change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become wha

Looking back at the past year it's extremely difficult for me to understand how I survived it. If 2016 was bad then 2017 was even worse. I can't tell you how many times I thought about death and that life would be better if I just exited life. I had to remind myself of all the terrible things I've endured in my life that pushed me to the edge, but were followed by being grateful I was still here. We all have demons. There is not one of us out there who hasn't struggled with depression in some capacity. You may think you're alone and the only body who feels that sorrow. I can guarantee however that you aren't alone and we all struggle in some form or another. It's just wether we're strong enough to face those difficult times and embrace them as a learning curb. I think by far the most difficult thing I had to deal with the past year was medication. Medication that I was forced to take with no one listening to me about how it actually made me feel. It

The hardest thing about my mental health journey has been the medication. Medication that means I will not slip further into psychosis again. When I don't take this medication my mind unravels and fractures in ways I have absolutely no contra over. The medication however makes me loose control of a lot of my bodily functions from sleep, to movement to even being severely depressed and unable to leave my house. I was on an injectable medication once a month called Invega. I can not even begin to describe how numbing the effects of this drug were on my system. It's a dopamine antagonist which means it impaired the functioning of dopamine in my body. Dopamine is something we need as part of the reward system of our brain to keep us motivated and driven. With an impairment in dopamine I woke up almost every day with a deep dark depressive mood with suicidal idealisations. I had to stop because it was literally killing me. They switched my medication to Ability a partial dopa

For so long I let a person I believed so much in, chip away at who I am. They took from me things that I will never ever be able to be replace. Those pieces were destroyed and there is no way to resurrect them. Damaged beyond repair is the only way I can describe my loss. I never wanted anything more than to get those pieces back and I was overly optimistic about those shards of my old life being the key to healing. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that what is left is not enough for me to build anything from, let alone take pride in. I've had to learn hard and fast that clutching on to these tiny remaining fragments was going to result in nothing but a deep feeling of grief. It isn't and will never be good for me. Letting go of them is hard but it had to be done. When my children told me that he said he missed me... I wasn't relieved, proud or happy, in fact I was angry. How could it be that someone has so little insight into the trail of de

I remember as a child being taken to see someone glass blowing in the shopping centre of the small town I lived in. I was mesmerised. Glass and fire is something we've been trained our whole lives to be frightened of. With all good reason because in our general day to day life, glass cuts and fire burns. Here this man was though turning sand to glass and manipulating it's shape with absolutely no fear. My whole I was branded very intelligent. I was given so many opportunities due to my skills, talent and intelligence.  None of it felt right though. I always felt persecuted because people could see I was intelligent and pushed me into being star pupil. It was never my intention to be best in the class but that's how it always turned out. Unlike the glass blower who had full control and mastery of something we consider dangerous in certain contexts, I did not have that same control over my life let alone glass and fire. The fear of being constantly watched in the spotli