Once More Around The Blog

I remember as a child being taken to see someone glass blowing in the shopping centre of the small town I lived in. I was mesmerised. Glass and fire is something we've been trained our whole lives to be frightened of. With all good reason because in our general day to day life, glass cuts and fire burns. Here this man was though turning sand to glass and manipulating it's shape with absolutely no fear. My whole I was branded very intelligent. I was given so many opportunities due to my skills, talent and intelligence.  None of it felt right though. I always felt persecuted because people could see I was intelligent and pushed me into being star pupil. It was never my intention to be best in the class but that's how it always turned out. Unlike the glass blower who had full control and mastery of something we consider dangerous in certain contexts, I did not have that same control over my life let alone glass and fire. The fear of being constantly watched in the spotli

I knew it wasn't going to be easy escaping the situation I was in. For it was the situation that shaped me and also changed me so dramatically. I fell violently disfigured from the whole situation. But nobody knew that. You couldn't tell by looking at me that I was a vessel for trauma. A vessel for his wayward emotions of hate and hostility. I drew it within like this nervous ball of energy. A ball of energy that was scorching and far too hot to hold so I buried it inside of me. Every time I felt happiness, I also felt him trying to drain that from me. I had to understand my happiness was his anger. How dare I be happy when he felt so miserable inside. I started to become so afraid of his reactions to my mood that I had to turn to stone. No emotions, no movement, no signs that could indicate that there was any emotion in me left to feed on. That's the thing with severely disturbed individuals. Once they hone in on you with very little insight into who they are their rag