Fragility
I remember as a child being taken to see someone glass blowing in the shopping centre of the small town I lived in. I was mesmerised. Glass and fire is something we've been trained our whole lives to be frightened of. With all good reason because in our general day to day life, glass cuts and fire burns. Here this man was though turning sand to glass and manipulating it's shape with absolutely no fear.
My whole I was branded very intelligent. I was given so many opportunities due to my skills, talent and intelligence. None of it felt right though. I always felt persecuted because people could see I was intelligent and pushed me into being star pupil.
It was never my intention to be best in the class but that's how it always turned out. Unlike the glass blower who had full control and mastery of something we consider dangerous in certain contexts, I did not have that same control over my life let alone glass and fire.
The fear of being constantly watched in the spotlight terrified me and I loathed being put in the that position of monkey to organ grinder. I found that this carried through my whole life that I could not be patient if someone was yelling at me or skulking with passive aggressive moves. I always knew that being put in the spotlight meant you had to perform. I just wanted to enjoy life not be a performer. I'd much rather watch from the sidelines, because it's the way I am.
I couldn't do that because even when critical people weren't around, I had their voices stuck in my head. Not realising that it was them derailing me because I wouldn't do what they pushed me to. I didn't want to be the whipping boy of the class in anything I studied. There is no way I could perform for a tyrant. "Me" is all I wanted to be and when I can I will, but not under pressure.
That's the thing with glass though. You have to be careful with it, otherwise it can broken easily and draw blood if you connect with the shards. On that day that the glass blower came, my Father also was so mesmerised he bought 3 tiny glass figurines. I don't actually remember what all three were except one.
It was a little fish, with blue eyes and fins either side holding it's intricate design stable for display. One day I was playing with them and taking them out of the display cabinit and I dropped the fish. I was terrified I was going to be in trouble. So I got some glue to glue two main pieces together as the other bits were so tiny. What glue did I actually use... Clag school glue. It held in place perfectly and because no one but myself was examining the ornaments daily in fine detail, got away with it but I never touched them again. I found it so beautiful that I was so sad that "I" broke it.
Human relationships are like this too. Trust in those relationships is like glass, fragile and handled with a delicate touch. Once that glass shatters it's very hard to put the pieces together. Yes I glued the glass back together haphazerdly and no one noticed. But if it was put on display someone would notice the cracks, the glue and the missing pieces. Once something like that is broken it is near impossible for someone to put it back together.
What happens with trust in relationships is much the same. Something that has been so badly damaged can not be fixed with glue, let alone children's craft glue. The only option is to start again and replicate that trust that was broken.
Starting from scratch is a difficult task if you didn't have the same tool, knowledge and passion to rebuild and replace. Sometimes if you loved something so much you accept it's flaws knowing that it's still beautifully crafted but broken in some areas. This is just like human relationships, sometimes we break something we love because we're not careful with it. Yet memories in the process of being rebuilt can be haunting that we learn to l love the flaws making it unique.
When something we love was so unique and broken we can't get past the emotions about it being destroyed forever. There's guilt and shame attached to that. Rebuilding it is enough to evoke memories of sadness. It's easier to hide it at the back of the display cabinet so no body sees the damage caused by not being gentle or careful enough about the way we handle it. We're ultimately afraid of exposing our incompetence rather than loving and accepting the flaws.
That's our society though, we're living in a throw away world. It's our instinct to discard and dispose of something no longer beautiful to society. Special though to us we keep it locked away. But human relationships are so much more than that. Their unique, including their flaws. It however up to us wether we accept it as a sign to be more carful in the future. Or to replace it and make like we had no part in it's demise.
My whole I was branded very intelligent. I was given so many opportunities due to my skills, talent and intelligence. None of it felt right though. I always felt persecuted because people could see I was intelligent and pushed me into being star pupil.
It was never my intention to be best in the class but that's how it always turned out. Unlike the glass blower who had full control and mastery of something we consider dangerous in certain contexts, I did not have that same control over my life let alone glass and fire.
The fear of being constantly watched in the spotlight terrified me and I loathed being put in the that position of monkey to organ grinder. I found that this carried through my whole life that I could not be patient if someone was yelling at me or skulking with passive aggressive moves. I always knew that being put in the spotlight meant you had to perform. I just wanted to enjoy life not be a performer. I'd much rather watch from the sidelines, because it's the way I am.
I couldn't do that because even when critical people weren't around, I had their voices stuck in my head. Not realising that it was them derailing me because I wouldn't do what they pushed me to. I didn't want to be the whipping boy of the class in anything I studied. There is no way I could perform for a tyrant. "Me" is all I wanted to be and when I can I will, but not under pressure.
That's the thing with glass though. You have to be careful with it, otherwise it can broken easily and draw blood if you connect with the shards. On that day that the glass blower came, my Father also was so mesmerised he bought 3 tiny glass figurines. I don't actually remember what all three were except one.
It was a little fish, with blue eyes and fins either side holding it's intricate design stable for display. One day I was playing with them and taking them out of the display cabinit and I dropped the fish. I was terrified I was going to be in trouble. So I got some glue to glue two main pieces together as the other bits were so tiny. What glue did I actually use... Clag school glue. It held in place perfectly and because no one but myself was examining the ornaments daily in fine detail, got away with it but I never touched them again. I found it so beautiful that I was so sad that "I" broke it.
Human relationships are like this too. Trust in those relationships is like glass, fragile and handled with a delicate touch. Once that glass shatters it's very hard to put the pieces together. Yes I glued the glass back together haphazerdly and no one noticed. But if it was put on display someone would notice the cracks, the glue and the missing pieces. Once something like that is broken it is near impossible for someone to put it back together.
What happens with trust in relationships is much the same. Something that has been so badly damaged can not be fixed with glue, let alone children's craft glue. The only option is to start again and replicate that trust that was broken.
Starting from scratch is a difficult task if you didn't have the same tool, knowledge and passion to rebuild and replace. Sometimes if you loved something so much you accept it's flaws knowing that it's still beautifully crafted but broken in some areas. This is just like human relationships, sometimes we break something we love because we're not careful with it. Yet memories in the process of being rebuilt can be haunting that we learn to l love the flaws making it unique.
When something we love was so unique and broken we can't get past the emotions about it being destroyed forever. There's guilt and shame attached to that. Rebuilding it is enough to evoke memories of sadness. It's easier to hide it at the back of the display cabinet so no body sees the damage caused by not being gentle or careful enough about the way we handle it. We're ultimately afraid of exposing our incompetence rather than loving and accepting the flaws.
That's our society though, we're living in a throw away world. It's our instinct to discard and dispose of something no longer beautiful to society. Special though to us we keep it locked away. But human relationships are so much more than that. Their unique, including their flaws. It however up to us wether we accept it as a sign to be more carful in the future. Or to replace it and make like we had no part in it's demise.
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