Our Obsession With Power

I've noticed by large that most people are obsessed with power, regardless of the fact that they see themselves as powerful or weak. I myself see myself as someone who often presents as "weak" in a lot of situations. That's not to say I don't have an angry dominant side. I do and I think that's been very obvious to the people around me for a long time. It's also at times been very difficult to control that anger and above all I don't like being angry.

But why is there this obsession with power? It's simple if you've ever been "weak" and dominated by others you can appreciate the feelings of relief it can bring to tame something powerful. When I was at a point in my life where I was completely dominated on a daily basis I really loved ocean swimming. It was like an abusive relationship that I felt I could control. There is a certain romance in not being afraid to submit to something that could very well destroy you.

I've been surrounded by many people who've endured tremendous abuse in their lifetimes. They haven't told me I just know because of he way they behave. I see parts of myself in them. Most of them however set out to control and dominate others rather than inanimate objects like the ocean. 

Every interaction with these people feels like a sword dual where you are trying desperately to fight back without injuring yourself or them. 

When ever I've dealt with any abusive person I always visualised it as standing over them forcing my sword agains theirs while I stand over them so they can not hurt anyone including myself or them. I've never wanted to hurt them but when they put me in a position to fight for my life... I always fought back in defence. It was exhausting and I found myself torn between running and hiding (because I just didn't want to fight) and facing them because challenging them was the only thing that momentarily stopped their vicious pursuit of me. 

It never bothered me because I wasn't afraid. It bothered me because it triggered me into some kind of monster that I despised. I didn't want to be like them fuelled by hate. I didn't see their domination as powerful. I saw it as weak and coming from a place of lack of control over fear. So I would try hard to predict their moves and counter act them rather than fight. I found however they were always itching for a fight because it's the one thing in their life that made them feel powerful, alive and important. But I wish they could see their are other ways to feel validated and whole.

The bad thing though about beating a person with these kinds of demons in a dual is that when you do they submit to you and become obsessed with needing you to protect them. I think the thing that angered them the most is that I was reluctant to do this. I was reluctant to stay and protect them because I had other things to do. I always found that they took this abandonment very seriously and it only spurned more anger for them to want to fight again because it meant I was there with them in the gallows. This is why I loved Ocean swimming so much... You can walk away from the sea when you've had enough. She doesn't follow you and the only thing that beckons you back is your own love and desire... She is silent. You are in control.

I wished above everything I could teach these people the insight into their issues. The truth is however that it's hardwired into them. These are not thought out or premeditated. This is pure actions driven by uncontrollable emotion. The only way to defeat these feelings and urges is to learn to feel the pain and submit to it. I know this because I've felt so much pain in the past 2 years. like swimming in the ocean you can't control the sea. if you want to enjoy it you have to submit with rather than fighting the ocean. Otherwise you just exhaust yourself. When exhausted that's when you act emotively.

Nobody likes advice though. Especially people who've been criticised and dominated their whole life. No body wants to be told how to live their life. I don't. But when people come to me and seek me out wanting to understand I feel I owe them some kind of explanation. The reason why I write is because I do want to help but in the compact that I can handle.

Writing here is far more easy and less exhausting than speaking to every individual about their own problems. I hope you can see that we are all the same in some respect. What drives this obsession is a need to be heard and I hear you. I never meant to abandon you it's just that I accept I'm human and there's only so much I can respond to the hauntings of others. As it was said to me once... "Don't lose your softness." It's your vulnerability that makes you beautifully human. To remain unhardened in this fucked up world that's a gift. It's not weak.