Accepting Your Flaws

A couple of weeks ago I sat in a Drs waiting room looking to get a mental health plan for my daughter to book her into an Aspergers centre that specifically treated the mental health of those on the Autism spectrum. It's difficult for me to even write this because I don't want my words to give power over her need for resilience.

 She cried though and she was adamant that she "Was not one those Autistic people." She then set out on a series of events to hurt me emotionally to prove that she was more in control than me. I wasn't and I'm still not angry at her for this. What you have to understand is that her other parent used words like retard and spastic to describe her when she wouldn't do the things he expected of her. I can understand that with every fibre in my body. That was because he'd used words to hurt me so much in the past. Words to make me feel ashamed of the person I was so that he could use that shame to control me.

I know I said I didn't want to talk about him again. However I really thought long and hard about him being a part of my narrative. I've been so head strong that I didn't want him to be a part of my narrative like some kind of parasite feeding off my emotions. I really felt that giving him power in my narrative was taking that power away from myself and my own resilience to stand on my own two feet. It was however in that moment that I realised how much my daughter and I had in common.

It's been the most arduous year learning to trust people and let them in. I was so used to having my flaws, weaknesses and emotions used against me. So much so that I started to feel like I was turning to stone.

 It was a defence mechanism I'd used to to survive years of abuse. Years of abuse I had no idea how to escape. I understand this was an incredibly frustrating time for the people that really did love me. What they had to understand though is that words had poisoned my own mind so much that I didn't think I was worthy of love. How I could I trust anyone trying to love me when I didn't trust myself with the ability to love myself.

I realised during that time I suffered abuse bravado was all I had to get me through the pain. I was going to prove him wrong time after time. He knew that was exactly how I worked. If he could be cruel enough I would do the things he wanted me to. Realising this was what made me take the leap to embrace all of my flaws. I did a complete 180, something he didn't expect. No longer was he able to use my flaws to control me when I was willing to accept them on such a very public stage.

Abuse is not something you get up one day and get over. It takes minutes, hours and years of addressing things you don't want to address. It takes self reflection on even the most painful memories. It takes admitting that you are human. It takes admitting that as a human you deserve fundamental human rights. Human rights of being loved and loveable. 

I came to the realisation that many people didn't want to see my flaws. Many people looked to me for strength to push through their own difficult situations. It's almost like a myth that survivors turn their back on anything that could indicate they're weak. I still struggle immensely with this concept. But what I had to realise is that until you address self loathing you will never move into a phase where you can build something stronger. 

For so long I'd taken it upon myself to raise the spirits of my beautiful daughter in hope that she would love herself more. I realise now that isn't my job. My job is to love her wholly and unconditionally regardless of the choices she makes. Till one day she is stronger enough to embrace the person she is. That's not just embrace it for show, but truly with every fibre of her being that her flaws are not her downfalls.