Accepting Change
For so long I let a person I believed so much in, chip away at who I am. They took from me things that I will never ever be able to be replace. Those pieces were destroyed and there is no way to resurrect them. Damaged beyond repair is the only way I can describe my loss. I never wanted anything more than to get those pieces back and I was overly optimistic about those shards of my old life being the key to healing.
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that what is left is not enough for me to build anything from, let alone take pride in. I've had to learn hard and fast that clutching on to these tiny remaining fragments was going to result in nothing but a deep feeling of grief. It isn't and will never be good for me. Letting go of them is hard but it had to be done.
When my children told me that he said he missed me... I wasn't relieved, proud or happy, in fact I was angry. How could it be that someone has so little insight into the trail of destruction that they left after tearing me down on a daily basis. A person who believed in other people more than the honest and true words that came from my mouth. He believed the Drs saying that I'd never be well again, even on medication. In fact he found someone else to replace me with immediately when I was incapacitated due to his abuse. Frankly I was no longer a person he could use for his own agenda.
I can't explain how angry it makes me feel. That's me he's talking about. I believe so firmly that he doesn't have a right to even mention my name again let alone say that he misses me. I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs "No you don't have any permission to miss me!". I miss me, I want her back but even I was denied that right because he went to every length to destroy me till there was very little left. That can't be forgiven ever.
I'm not unaware that forgiveness is a path to healing. That path however is not one I can ever feel safe to tread on ever, period. If anyone has any agency to miss who I was it would be me. However as I've said that's not possible. It's like this imaginary tug of war over those tiny scraps of what was left of me. I'm not even willing to fight over those tiny pieces anymore. I've let them go because they're not important to my future anymore.
I can feel that my life has started to turn on a completely new axis. One that is so new to me that it's unfamiliar. This time though I'm keeping it to myself. Those tiny threads that are beginning to form my future, belong to me and no one else. I've had to accept and mourn the loss of the old but also to be protective of what is new and the first sprouts of life. He is not and will never be part of the narrative. I wish he would just disappear and go away so I can live my life free of him thinking he still has a say in who I am and how I'm presented.
I'm not bitter, jealous or angry of him moving on. In fact I want him to move on so he doesn't have to hassle me anymore for the rest of my life. I purposely was cold in how I cut him out of my life because him returning would only mean more destruction. At such a fragile point of my life I owe it to me to keep him and anyone who threatens my happiness away, so that new life blooms beautifully not restrictively.
For the first time in a long time I've felt hope. Hopefulness for my future. he may have had keys to the old me but he will never have any access to the new me. It's my life and the only person who has any right to tend to the new growth, is me. I never thought I'd get out and away from him, let alone bare witness to my new life forming. For that I'm grateful everyday that my true second chance at life has begun. This time I belong to me.
If I was a magician I could make him disappear all together so I never had to deal with his anger and hate ever again. But that's not realistic. What is realistic is that I am a human being, not a possession and I'm going to treat myself with respect. No longer will I run on a course that belongs to anyone but me. Now that I've accepted the change I feel positively that I can go in the direction that I choose this time. My life is up to me and I'm happy to leave the past behind for better days.
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that what is left is not enough for me to build anything from, let alone take pride in. I've had to learn hard and fast that clutching on to these tiny remaining fragments was going to result in nothing but a deep feeling of grief. It isn't and will never be good for me. Letting go of them is hard but it had to be done.
When my children told me that he said he missed me... I wasn't relieved, proud or happy, in fact I was angry. How could it be that someone has so little insight into the trail of destruction that they left after tearing me down on a daily basis. A person who believed in other people more than the honest and true words that came from my mouth. He believed the Drs saying that I'd never be well again, even on medication. In fact he found someone else to replace me with immediately when I was incapacitated due to his abuse. Frankly I was no longer a person he could use for his own agenda.
I can't explain how angry it makes me feel. That's me he's talking about. I believe so firmly that he doesn't have a right to even mention my name again let alone say that he misses me. I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs "No you don't have any permission to miss me!". I miss me, I want her back but even I was denied that right because he went to every length to destroy me till there was very little left. That can't be forgiven ever.
I'm not unaware that forgiveness is a path to healing. That path however is not one I can ever feel safe to tread on ever, period. If anyone has any agency to miss who I was it would be me. However as I've said that's not possible. It's like this imaginary tug of war over those tiny scraps of what was left of me. I'm not even willing to fight over those tiny pieces anymore. I've let them go because they're not important to my future anymore.
I can feel that my life has started to turn on a completely new axis. One that is so new to me that it's unfamiliar. This time though I'm keeping it to myself. Those tiny threads that are beginning to form my future, belong to me and no one else. I've had to accept and mourn the loss of the old but also to be protective of what is new and the first sprouts of life. He is not and will never be part of the narrative. I wish he would just disappear and go away so I can live my life free of him thinking he still has a say in who I am and how I'm presented.
I'm not bitter, jealous or angry of him moving on. In fact I want him to move on so he doesn't have to hassle me anymore for the rest of my life. I purposely was cold in how I cut him out of my life because him returning would only mean more destruction. At such a fragile point of my life I owe it to me to keep him and anyone who threatens my happiness away, so that new life blooms beautifully not restrictively.
For the first time in a long time I've felt hope. Hopefulness for my future. he may have had keys to the old me but he will never have any access to the new me. It's my life and the only person who has any right to tend to the new growth, is me. I never thought I'd get out and away from him, let alone bare witness to my new life forming. For that I'm grateful everyday that my true second chance at life has begun. This time I belong to me.
If I was a magician I could make him disappear all together so I never had to deal with his anger and hate ever again. But that's not realistic. What is realistic is that I am a human being, not a possession and I'm going to treat myself with respect. No longer will I run on a course that belongs to anyone but me. Now that I've accepted the change I feel positively that I can go in the direction that I choose this time. My life is up to me and I'm happy to leave the past behind for better days.
Comments
Post a Comment