Honesty
Looking back at the past year it's extremely difficult for me to understand how I survived it. If 2016 was bad then 2017 was even worse. I can't tell you how many times I thought about death and that life would be better if I just exited life. I had to remind myself of all the terrible things I've endured in my life that pushed me to the edge, but were followed by being grateful I was still here.
We all have demons. There is not one of us out there who hasn't struggled with depression in some capacity. You may think you're alone and the only body who feels that sorrow. I can guarantee however that you aren't alone and we all struggle in some form or another. It's just wether we're strong enough to face those difficult times and embrace them as a learning curb.
I think by far the most difficult thing I had to deal with the past year was medication. Medication that I was forced to take with no one listening to me about how it actually made me feel. It was terrible losing all agency and ownership of controlling how I felt. It took a very long time to get my treating team to believe that the copies amounts of medication I was forced to take actually made my psychosis worse.
I remember every time they gave me too much medication. I remember the negative experiences. I remember lying in a hospital bed convulsing with a rag to my mouth to stop me from dribbling everywhere. I tried to tell the nurses I was sick and not responding to the medication but they didn't care. My family even noticed how much the drugs impaired me but yet still no one listened. I think they honestly thought I was being melodramatic.
I have a new found appreciation of how difficult trailing psychiatric drugs can be for the unwell. In the past I've always had control over those faculties when I wasn't taking medication. To lose the ability to speak and be riddled with bodily tics was new to me. It taught me a certain amount of empathy for others who've suffered a similar journey.
For the first time in a long time I've felt good. Finally they listened and allowed me to reduce and change my medication. I no longer feel the numbing suicidal depressive states that some of the medication had me feel.I was given permission to drop a drug that saw me sleep 16 hours a day. It wasn't however without difficulty as the withdrawal from the drugs was terrible. The withdrawal definitely made me shiver and shake.
But I woke up today happy. Happy that I'm finally given the time and space to rebuild my life. I've dealt with a lot of guilt of not being able to be there for my children in the compact that I wished. The truth is however that I must for the first time put myself first if I want to see another decade with my children. I remind myself daily that they will always be my children and a few lost years is better than a lost life.
I've thought really hard about my situation as well. I thought about how much I was hurting in the past 13 years, but that I just brushed it aside and pretended it didn't exist and that I was actually ok. I used so many things like keeping busy to numb the pain. One of the other hard hurdles in my life was digging deep to find the true source of the pain. pushing away all of the things I'd used to bury that pain and actually dealing with it for once. It wasn't easy but I had to do it to heal and move on.
I know that 2018 won't be without it's challenges at all. I know pretending you are fine doesn't help at all. I see it in other people too. I see the need to prove and keep busy to mask the pain. If you are one of those people I can tell you it is tremendously hard to face what really hurts you. The sooner you do however you can heal and start to move forward. Life won't be perfect and void of difficult emotions and feelings, but you will grow stronger each day you stare straight down the barrel.
I'm thankful to have control of my life back. It is definitely still in it's early stages that I'm grappling with trying to control my feelings and my life. It's a start though and things might go down again but with perseverance they'll also go up.You need to remember life isn't always good but that is the case for everyone not just yourself. You just need a little hope.
I'm finally looking forward to my future again and 2018. I never wanted to speak about these things till I truly felt I was ready. I didn't want to give out the false impression that I had it together. I did that for more than a decade and it broke me. So this year is for honesty about the pain as much as the joy. That joy is also never truly the same unless you acknowledge and feel the pain as well.
We all have demons. There is not one of us out there who hasn't struggled with depression in some capacity. You may think you're alone and the only body who feels that sorrow. I can guarantee however that you aren't alone and we all struggle in some form or another. It's just wether we're strong enough to face those difficult times and embrace them as a learning curb.
I think by far the most difficult thing I had to deal with the past year was medication. Medication that I was forced to take with no one listening to me about how it actually made me feel. It was terrible losing all agency and ownership of controlling how I felt. It took a very long time to get my treating team to believe that the copies amounts of medication I was forced to take actually made my psychosis worse.
I remember every time they gave me too much medication. I remember the negative experiences. I remember lying in a hospital bed convulsing with a rag to my mouth to stop me from dribbling everywhere. I tried to tell the nurses I was sick and not responding to the medication but they didn't care. My family even noticed how much the drugs impaired me but yet still no one listened. I think they honestly thought I was being melodramatic.
I have a new found appreciation of how difficult trailing psychiatric drugs can be for the unwell. In the past I've always had control over those faculties when I wasn't taking medication. To lose the ability to speak and be riddled with bodily tics was new to me. It taught me a certain amount of empathy for others who've suffered a similar journey.
For the first time in a long time I've felt good. Finally they listened and allowed me to reduce and change my medication. I no longer feel the numbing suicidal depressive states that some of the medication had me feel.I was given permission to drop a drug that saw me sleep 16 hours a day. It wasn't however without difficulty as the withdrawal from the drugs was terrible. The withdrawal definitely made me shiver and shake.
But I woke up today happy. Happy that I'm finally given the time and space to rebuild my life. I've dealt with a lot of guilt of not being able to be there for my children in the compact that I wished. The truth is however that I must for the first time put myself first if I want to see another decade with my children. I remind myself daily that they will always be my children and a few lost years is better than a lost life.
I've thought really hard about my situation as well. I thought about how much I was hurting in the past 13 years, but that I just brushed it aside and pretended it didn't exist and that I was actually ok. I used so many things like keeping busy to numb the pain. One of the other hard hurdles in my life was digging deep to find the true source of the pain. pushing away all of the things I'd used to bury that pain and actually dealing with it for once. It wasn't easy but I had to do it to heal and move on.
I know that 2018 won't be without it's challenges at all. I know pretending you are fine doesn't help at all. I see it in other people too. I see the need to prove and keep busy to mask the pain. If you are one of those people I can tell you it is tremendously hard to face what really hurts you. The sooner you do however you can heal and start to move forward. Life won't be perfect and void of difficult emotions and feelings, but you will grow stronger each day you stare straight down the barrel.
I'm thankful to have control of my life back. It is definitely still in it's early stages that I'm grappling with trying to control my feelings and my life. It's a start though and things might go down again but with perseverance they'll also go up.You need to remember life isn't always good but that is the case for everyone not just yourself. You just need a little hope.
I'm finally looking forward to my future again and 2018. I never wanted to speak about these things till I truly felt I was ready. I didn't want to give out the false impression that I had it together. I did that for more than a decade and it broke me. So this year is for honesty about the pain as much as the joy. That joy is also never truly the same unless you acknowledge and feel the pain as well.
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